My What a Pretty Colon You Have!

10 May

Yup, the time had come…the dreaded colonoscopy.  I can’t say I was exactly excited to go through this process, a necessary evil.  However, compared to death, it seemed quite pleasant.  You would think the procedure itself would be the horrible part…oh, contraire.  That’s the easy part.  The worst part is prepping.  Pure hell.

First, you have to starve on a liquid diet.  So, for 26 hours I lived off of broth, white grape juice, water, and regular soda.  Yum.  If this is what it takes to be skinny I’d rather be fat.  Next, is the four laxatives followed by a drum of nasty liquid.  The nurses recommend mixing a little Crystal Light into the drum to make the sludge taste better.  Yeah…wow, what a difference.  Thanks for that recommendation.

You drink this crap 8 ounces at a time every 15 minutes until half the drum is gone, followed by parking yourself on the toilet for the next 8 hours.  I somehow managed to get a minute or two of sleep in between toilet visits but had to wake at 2:15am to start the process again.  More delicious Crystal Light flavored sludge.  More time spent on the toilet.  Jolly good fun.

My husband had the pleasure of not only witnessing this entire episode but having to endure my lack of sleep/lack of food crazed personality.  He was waiting for my head to start spinning.  It felt like an exorcism from the pleasures of life.  Torture indeed.

We arrived at the hospital grateful this nightmare would soon be over.  After chatting with my annoyingly happy doctor, the nurse gave me the happy drugs.  I don’t remember much after that except staring at the monitor thinking, “Gee, I do have a nice colon.”

Turns out everything is normal and I won’t have to endure this again for another ten years, thank God.  I couldn’t wait to leave the hospital and consume any and all food in sight and hit the bed…and never consume Crystal Light again.

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