Archive | August, 2012

It’s Just Milk, People!

28 Aug

Well, I survived serving milk at the “All You Can Drink Milkstand” at the State Fair.  I came out unscathed, except for being covered in sticky old milk and smelling like warm cottage cheese.  It was an interesting crowd, indeed.  I’ve never seen so many people so excited about milk.  Who knew there would be “Milk Mania” at the fair?

I was shocked by the sheer numbers of people who came back several times for a refill.  I kept thinking to myself, “This isn’t beer, people!  What’s wrong with you?”  What was even better was they were so specific about what they wanted:  half vanilla (white milk for those of us with an IQ over 50) and half chocolate, three-fourths white, one-fourth chocolate.  I was waiting for them to whip out their measuring cups to make sure I was getting it just right.

For the most part, the people were very friendly and appreciative.  One guy was so excited to get his milk refill he slammed the cup down on the counter and sprayed me with milk.  Thanks.  A few of the folks were downright grouchy, slamming down their cups and barking out “white!” or “chocolate!”.  Ever heard of please and thank you?  That’s right, I’m their milk bitch and I’m there just to serve them…how quickly I forget.

Then there was the kid who told one of the servers he wanted “nilla nilla”, which I guess is fancy slang for “2% white milk”.  I wish I would’ve waited on him to tell him we were out of “nilla nilla” but I’d be more than happy to pour him a “chocki wocki”.

I was tempted at times to say it was goat or horse milk, but I thought the milk sponsor might frown upon that.  We thought it might be fun next year to install squirt guns on the taps so we can save money on cups and make it a fun game at the same time.  So, there might be a few injuries but that’s what insurance is for!

Top 10 Dating Tips?

27 Aug

I have created my first video…I am providing the “Top 10 Dating Tips” that I believe will help you find the man of your dreams?  Here’s the link:

In the near future I will be adding more videos to my blog and YouTube channel “Confusedwoman01” so check them out!

Thanks-Confused Woman!

Shopping Adventure?

23 Aug

Shopping, in general, sucks.  I can’t stand dealing with other shoppers, long checkout lines, rude cashiers, etc.  But yesterday, all of that changed when I went with a co-worker and two students to Fleet Farm.  What began as  a routine shopping trip for supplies turned into something of an adventure.

I’ve only been in Fleet Farm a couple of times and it’s a very interesting place.  They have everything from water and candy (which we purchased) to chains, horse saddles, and blue jeans.  I’ve never seen a store have such a diverse group of items under its roof, yet it all somehow makes sense.  I guess it’s not entirely impossible that someone would have all these items on the same shopping list?

To make it even more interesting are the customers.   For example, the gentleman who thought one of us was delivering a baby in the aisle.  We were laughing hysterically about some random comment I made when around the corner comes a gentleman saying, “Is someone having a baby in here?  With all the laughing going on I thought someone was having a baby.”  What the f@*k?!  I don’t know where he was when his wife was popping out babies but I can tell you from personal experience no laughter was coming out of me.  Lots of fluids and screaming, no giggles.

I’m guessing the guy either was in another room during his wife giving birth, or she was in a dentist’s office being doped up with laughing gas.  There’s no way in hell a normal woman would be laughing hysterically while squeezing a watermelon out of a pea hole.  I was so shocked by the comment I didn’t know whether to laugh or call for security.

If that wasn’t interesting enough, I went to the customer service desk to get some help when I noticed the list of hunting licenses that can be purchased.  Looked pretty typical at first:  deer, pheasant, duck.  But, upon further inspection, I noticed a license for “snipe and rail” hunting.  No idea what that is.  Then, I see a bear license listed next to one for a mourning dove.  Huh?

I can just picture the scene…hunters all dressed in camouflage next to a campfire drinking beer and contemplating the next day’s hunt.  “Alright, Ned.  We got the bear today.  It was a mighty fight, but we got ’em.  I say tomorrow, we really challenge ourselves and go for the elusive and ominous mourning dove.  He’s escaped us for so long, but tomorrow, the dove’s ours.”  Imagine them stuffed on the wall next to each other:  the mighty bear and the decimated carcass of a dove.  Beautiful.

I have to say I was so thoroughly entertained by Fleet Farm and its customers that I can’t wait to go back.  This store has changed my life and given me a new-found love of retail..and all things fluorescent orange.

Freeway or Raceway?

16 Aug

I don’t know what it is about this summer, but man are drivers crazy out there!  I can’t remember the last time I noticed how incredibly aggressive they are.  I wonder many times if I am driving on a local freeway or in a NASCAR race?

Now, admittedly, I’m not the most passive driver.  I have been known to, on occasion, use some “not so ladylike” language and gestures when in traffic.  When I was younger, I was really bad.  I would tailgate like nobody’s business and get irate if they wouldn’t get out of my way in the fast lane.  It was my form of vigilante justice, getting the slow pokes out of the way so the rest of us could race to our destination.

As an older (mature?) woman with a child, I have learned to slow down and relax…a lot.  That’s not to say I don’t have my angry moments, they’re just less frequent.  It’s especially difficult when you have a child in the car who loves to repeat every word you say.  I’ve learned to get real creative with swear words.

Lately, though, it seems drivers are just nuts…tailgating, swerving in and out of traffic, cutting people off, running red lights, the list goes on and on.  Maybe it’s the nice weather?  Maybe it’s all the repressed anger of being passive-aggressive in their daily lives?  In the Midwest, we don’t scream and yell at each other, so I think it just bottles up and then we can take out our rage anonymously on others.

It also seems the larger the vehicle, the bigger the jerk driving it.  I believe they feel because they’re bigger, they own the road.  They can ride up your rear bumper, blind you with their headlights, and not signal turns.  The driver is usually a woman talking on a cell phone with no one else in the vehicle or a man with a small appendage (if you get my drift).  Either way, they’re lame and need to be banned from the roads.

I think the next time I come across the aggressive driver, I’ll do this:  instead of screaming and swearing, I’ll wear a big smile and do a parade wave as if  I don’t have a care in the world.  That’ll piss them off for sure.

Ahhh…Fair Time

14 Aug

It’s that time of year again…the end of summer and the beginning of fair time!  I am sad that summer will soon be over and winter won’t be too far behind but between now and then I’ll enjoy the annual visit to the state fair.  It’s tradition.  If I don’t go, I feel like part of me is missing, even though it’s basically the same crap year after year.

The main reason for me to go?  The food of course!  Almost every food imaginable is on a stick.  Nearly all are fried.  For one day a year, this is not a problem but a celebration!  All calories consumed will contain little or no nutritional value and that’s awesome!  It’s even better when beer is combined with these cringe-worthy edibles!  Put on the elastic waistband shorts and oversized t-shirt and I’m ready for the gorge fest!

As I park myself on a bench moaning and groaning in pain from over-indulging, I enjoy another fair tradition:  the people watching.  There is nothing better than sitting back and watching the world go by…all shapes and sizes…all ranges of incomes…every wardrobe mishap and lost fad known to man…it rocks!

It’s fun to see during daylight hours but it’s downright entertaining to people watch at night.  By the time the sun sets, enough cheap beers have been consumed that all common sense goes out the window.  More skin and less fabric is the norm, mostly on people who should clearly not be wearing these outfits.  Remember the mullets?  If not, you will…they’re back and they’re fabulous.

I hope you all get a chance to enjoy your local fairs.  I’ll be consuming enough beer and grease to kill a small farm animal but I’ll love every minute of it (and the canister of antacids I’ll need to recover)!

The Thrill of Victory and the Agony of Watching it?

8 Aug

I was so excited for the Summer Olympics to begin.  There’s nothing better than being a couch potato watching athletes from all over the world push their bodies to the limits while I’m eating potato chips and drinking a beer.  Ahhh…but then I remember why I get sick of the Olympics after two days and want it to be over:  THE STUPID “SPORTS”.

Okay, maybe I’m overreacting but it seems to me there are several so-called sports that could be eliminated (especially from TV coverage).  How can table tennis and badminton be considered Olympic sports when they’re usually played by people at parties who are half in the bag?  Why don’t they include bar darts, pool, and video games?  The crazy thing is, these “athletes” are playing sober!  What fun is that?!

It was even more hilarious when several players were kicked out of the competition because they were throwing their matches to play against weaker teams.  Whoa…scandal on the ping-pong, oops, table tennis court!  Wow, who needs James Bond when you have corrupt ping-pong!

Then there’s another thought…what kind of training is involved to become a super table tennis star?  Is there a lot of cardio involved or is it just endless hours of hitting a little white ball?  The gymnasts, for example, spend hours in the gym perfecting their routines.  I can just imagine the table tennis teams locked into a dark room with just a spotlight on the table and they can’t leave until they’ve hit the ball a million times.  Torture at its finest.

Well, I better get back to the action…I need to refill my bowl of chips and crack another beer.  Besides, I can’t miss the “Whack a Mole” competition…it gets pretty ugly!