Winter Sucks

29 Oct

I know, I know….there are some of you out there that absolutely love winter.  Goody gumdrops for you.  I happen to hate winter.  Being born and raised in Minnesota you would think I would be excited about it, but no.  I dread it every year and the older I get the crabbier I get about it.

Most Minnesotans are smart.  They learn to love it by finding hobbies that coincide with the season:  snowmobiling, ice fishing, skiing, ice skating, etc.   I’ve tried all of those things and it didn’t work.  Snowmobiling:  Rode on back of one with a crazy person, convinced I was going to die.  Ice fishing:  Why on earth would I sit staring at a hole, freezing my ass off while getting drunk?  I can do that INDOORS!  Skiing:  Downhill, old lady, fear of death…not a good combination.  Cross-country:  No coordination whatsoever so ski tips cross constantly and I spend more time on my rear than I do on my feet.  Ice skating:  Lack of coordination and fear of face-planting and losing all my teeth.

Now, I wasn’t always this way.  When I was a kid, I loved winter.  My sister and I would play for hours outside regardless of the temperature or amount of snow falling.  We would build snow forts and get lost in the tunnels we created.  I took skating lessons and spent lots of time “perfecting” my technique at the local rink.

However, eventually I became an adult and had to commute to work.  The love affair with snow soon ended.  What was once fun was now dreaded.  I’ve had too many white-knuckle commutes in snow storms where I prayed the entire way I would not get hit by the idiot drivers who thought they were invincible.  I now drive like an old grandma while everyone zips past and tries to get around me.  Sometimes, they end up in the ditch…take that, hot stuff.

When retirement comes, I would like to be a snow bird.  I can spend spring, summer and fall here and then take off for warmer weather come winter.  I used to roll my eyes at my grandparents when they took off to Florida after the holidays.  Now that my parents are doing it, I’m thinking maybe they’re not so crazy after all.  I’m actually looking forward to being one of those old farts parked on the beach in my swimsuit scaring off all the tourists.  Life is good.

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