Confused Woman!

Yes, I am one of those…someone who will tell a potential date, “I’ve never jumped from a 50 story building before, but gee, that sure sounds like fun!”  Okay, maybe not to that extreme, but I am very willing to try something I know damn well I’ll hate just for the sake of going out with someone.

For example, on Monday, I met a guy from match who was going rollerblading with his teenage daughters.  Have I ever wanted to Rollerblade?  No.  Was I going to give it a try so I could pretend I actually had something in common with this guy?  Yes.

I brought my daughter, who has also never bladed before.  The guy and his daughters were nice enough, but we couldn’t really talk since my daughter and I were hugging the wall the entire time.  I was so worried about her or myself falling I couldn’t even form complete sentences.  All that came out of my mouth was, “Whoa!  Are you okay?”  Internally, I was cursing, ” When will this be over?  This better get me a second date!””  Alas, there was no second date (big surprise).

Another time I tried to impress a guy was when he said he loved riding motorcycles.  I told him I did as well.  What a load of crap.  The thought of being on a motorcycle scares me to death but the guy was cute so why would I tell the truth?

For our first date, he picked me up on his motorcycle.  I put on a brave face and acted like I was so excited to go for a ride.  Inside, I was a complete wreck.  We had barely made it down the street (and maybe going 30 mph) when I started whimpering like a little girl and asked if we could turn around.

He was nice enough to go back and get his car, but by then it was too late.  It was obvious I lied and the date was over before it started.

From now on, I’m going to make a pact with myself to not agree to any sports or dangerous activities unless I sincerely want to try them.  Unless, of course, Ben Affleck’s clone walks through the door and asks me to climb Mount Kilimanjaro.

Friday night, I went out for drinks and appetizers with my dear friend Diane.  We went to Murray’s, which is an excellent steakhouse in Minneapolis.  For those of you who’ve never been, I highly suggest you check it out.  They have my new favorite appetizer, “The Frickle”.  It’s a gourmet fried pickle and it’s to die for!

Anywho…Diane and I were discussing (okay, bitching) about our dating woes.  She has been single for decades and therefore has suffered immeasurably.  I told her I was the bubonic plague of online dating and she told me to shut up.

Diane pulled out her phone and showed me the men that have contacted her on Ourtime.com.  It’s a dating site for those 50 and older.  My dear friend is 65 but looks and acts much, much younger.  It’s good and bad.  Good because she looks great and is a hell of a lot of fun to hang out with.  Bad because the guys that are her age look like they’re knocking on heaven’s door.

I couldn’t help but laugh at the look of disgust on her face as she showed me these fossils and their profiles.  One after another…it was like a zombie pictorial.  All of a sudden, I didn’t feel so bad.  I may be the bubonic plague but at least I’m not getting hit on by the walking dead.

Well…I’ve come to the conclusion that I am indeed the bubonic plague of online dating.  Why, do you say?  Well, I’ll tell you why.

Last weekend, I decided to be proactive and peruse profiles on match.com and if the men seemed interesting, I would “wink” or email them.  I found a dozen that seemed at least worthy of a casual conversation.  The “winks” and emails were sent and how many responded….a big fat ZERO.

That’s right, ladies, not a one wrote or moved their eyelashes.   I heard crickets.  Now, I’m not a supermodel, but I’m not a troll either.  You would think out of the dozen contacts I would hear something but no….

After several hours of heavy thought and “comfort” foods/beverages, I’ve come to the conclusion that men are looking for Barbie.  They don’t want a real woman with real curves and a personality.  A mute, arm trophy is the ideal date of the week.  Ugh!

So, what do us normal women do when so many men are looking for the impossible and the imbecilic?  Well, we’ll turn to cable TV, our friends and to our hopes and dreams that there may be a guy out there who will look beyond the superficial and appreciate us for who and what we are under our epidermis (for the male dolts out there, that’s our skin).

Last weekend, I participated in a mini indoor triathlon.  It was my second year and I was pleased to have improved in every category, especially swimming, which is my weakest sport.  Needless to say, after the race, I was famished.  I met a couple girlfriends for lunch at a great local bar/restaurant.

I was psyched to order my favorite sandwich and decided to deviate from the norm and order tater tots.  I eagerly awaited their arrival while munching popcorn and drinking beer.  Then they arrived.

Piled on my plate was a stack of fried orange balls.  I asked the waiter, “What the hell are these and where are my tater tots?”  The waiter said, “These are sweet potato tots.  We don’t have regular tater tots.”

The look of shock and disgust must have been apparent enough that the waiter immediately offered a side of fries instead.  I couldn’t believe it…why would anyone put these on a menu let alone order them?  The waiter said they were healthier…oh, I’m sure they’re so much healthier when they’re fried.

I’m of the mindset that sweet potatoes were one of God’s only mistakes and that they were never intended to be fried and consumed by human beings.  If sweet potatoes are so great, why don’t we have sweet broccoli or cauliflower?  If I want something sweet, I’ll eat a piece of fruit or chocolate.  I’m not going to be gnawing on a sweet potato and especially one that’s saturated with oil.

The waiter thought he was so smart telling me that the women at the next table happened to order the sweet tots and loved them.  Yeah, whatever.  I’m sure they saved so many calories pairing those awful things with their double-decker burgers.  Next time, I’ll order a side of broccoli with a little Splenda…I’m sure it will soon be a trend.

Okay.  Last week, I decided to take a break from match.com after having too many men contacting me that were either delusional or lazy.  Well, funny thing is, the minute I decide to boycott the site the good men started appearing.  So back in the saddle I go…

A man winked at me and I saw his picture and thought, “hmmm…not really my type” and was about to delete him when I decided to take a second look.  I checked out his profile and he sounded great:  45 years old, very athletic, father to one 12-year-old son, has his own law firm, and is from Hawaii, my heaven on Earth.

This is awesome!  Someone who’s cute and is employed…a rare find on this site.  So, I decided to wink back and he emailed saying he was very interested in meeting me.  We arranged to meet at 8:00 the next night at a bar/restaurant.  I was a nervous wreck and hoping for the best.

I walked in and was pleasantly surprised.  His picture didn’t do him justice.  He was gorgeous and in fantastic shape.  We instantly hit it off and ended up talking for 4 1/2 hours.  It was a great time and the goodbye kiss was insane.  I thought, “this is it, here’s the man of my dreams.”

That’s when I started to become paranoid.  Is this guy too good to be true?  Can he really be a lawyer?  Does he really run all these races?  Did he really attend these schools and obtain these degrees?

I started to panic and scoured the internet looking for any information I could find on him.  Hell, I even did a free background check to see if he had a criminal past.  I remembered he paid with cash the night we met, so it’s not like I saw a driver’s license or credit card with his name on it.  What if that wasn’t even his name?  Could he be one of those impostors who dupes women that you hear about on “Dateline”?

It got to the point where I was driving myself insane with worry and I had to shut it down or I’d lose my mind.  Turns out it really wasn’t necessary since he stood me up for lunch a couple of days later.  He apologized twice, saying his meeting ran late, but I didn’t know if I could believe him.  I really felt like it was a bunch of crap when he said he’d contact me to set up another time to meet and I never heard back.

So, I’ve decided once again to take a break from the ‘ole match.com and put the brakes on the dating thing.  It’s clear to me I’m not ready if I’m taking every little rejection personally and am paranoid every guy is a serial killer or a con artist.  Cable TV, here I come!