Urgent Care or Comedy Club?

24 Jun

I decided to go to urgent care today after a nagging cough was getting worse.  I’d toughed it out for a couple of weeks and decided I was miserable enough to drag myself in.  I was crossing my fingers it was allergies and not pneumonia, which I had last winter and was down for almost two weeks.

When I arrived, I wasn’t greeted by the usual receptionist, Chatty Cathy.  She’s nice but the woman treats every interaction with a patient like it’s a meet and greet over coffee.  It’s painful to be the person behind the patient while she’s asking 300 questions and making idle chit-chat.  I’m here to get better, not be sent into a blind waiting room rage.

I was hoping this receptionist was better but she was not.  She was serious and had no time for monkey business.  I will call her Militant Mary.  When I told her I had a cough, she insisted I wear a mask in the waiting area.  I asked if I could wait until I sat down and she was adamant I put it on right then and NOW.

Alrighty then….I slapped that bad boy on and told her it was hot and I couldn’t breathe, which is not good when you have a cough and labored breathing.  No response.  I also said if you hear a loud thud from the corner of the waiting room that will just be me passed out on the floor.  Still no response.  Crickets.

I head to my corner seat and try to breathe and not pass out from the hot air and my bad breath.  Whenever Militant Mary was distracted, I ripped the stupid mask off of my face so I could get some fresh air.  Fortunately, I was called back fairly quickly, so no chalk outline was needed on the carpet.

When the nurse came into the exam room, I told her about Militant Mary and said how strict she was about wearing the mask.  I understood it was to protect other patients but for crying out loud, this woman would have slapped my face on a wanted poster with “VIOLATOR!!!” under my name if she could.

I explained to the nurse how I cracked the joke about passing out in the corner of the room and had no response and she thought that was hilarious.   I told her I’d hate to be a stand up comedian with a room full of Militant Marys because I’d think I really suck.  That’s when urgent care turned into a comedy club.  Not only did my nurse think that was awesomely funny, she proceeded to share it with the nurses and doctors outside of the exam rooms as well.

All I could think of, before I found out I just had lousy allergies is, I am so glad I could be there for their entertainment.  Now, can I get paid for my performance, instead of me owing you up the Wazoo for the exam, x-ray and labs?

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