Waxing Virgin

21 Jun

Now that summer is finally here, it’s swimsuit season, or in my case hide in the closet season.  Unfortunately, my friends will not let me be a hermit, so I have to hit the beach.  They have pushed me to wax the va jay jay…and due to my stupidity and alcohol consumption, I agreed.

I made the appointment and asked if the waxing hurt.  The receptionist claimed, “It just hurts like a little band-aid.  The pain will be over before you know it and you’ll look fabulous.”

Yep.  What a total liar and great salesperson she was.  Lying on the table as the wax was applied I thought, “Well, this isn’t so bad.  It’s warm and gooey…feels kind of like a honey bath.”  Then the first rip came.

Holy shit.  I screamed like those girls from the horror movies.  Not just any scream, but the full blood-curdling scream.  Then the next rip came.  I screamed so loud, I’m sure the Subway employees next door thought I was giving birth.

The next several rips produced enough decibels I thought for sure the storefront windows would shatter.  Throughout this process, I’m thinking, “First of all, why the hell would anyone willfully do this to themselves.  Secondly, when I see my friend, I’m punching her dead in the face.”

After a couple of days and several ibuprofen and Miller Lites, I felt much better and the va jay jay did look amazing.  Would I do it again?  Yes.  Will I bring a brick to bite down on and a bottle of Valium to put me in “pain-free fairy land”?  Absolutely.

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